When Jrock and I were first deciding to adopt, we, as many adoption newbies,?considered open adoption as a threat to our new family. We didn?t chose Ethiopia because of its distance away ? but we definitely bought into the idea of orphaned children with no familial ties and?only a vague possibility of living birth family. Of course, adoption is full of surprises, and our daughters have a vast contingent of living, breathing family members in Ethiopia? and we are so lucky and blessed to?have an open adoption with our daughters? Ethiopian family. What scared us as soon-to-be adoptive parents, now, is the greatest gift for our daughters: family and connections.
To many of our readers who know us offline, this isn?t exactly a shocker. But I rarely, if ever, have posted anything about our daughter?s family on this blog. So it may surprise you that I?m writing about preparing to meet with them next month, as I take a couple days aside out of my trip for Vulnerable Children.
Jrock and I have been very protective around our daughters? connections and past history. We pretty much only share it with a small circle of family? our parents, siblings and two close friends, who for individual reasons, are excellent professional resources. For now, until the girls are much older and can understand the implications of what they share, their Ethiopian family?s details are part of our private family. However, I can certainly share about my process as an adoptive mom preparing for our upcoming visit.
We have what I call a mediated relationship ? we don?t just call each other up on the phone. Of course there are language and technical barriers on the way. But we frequently send pictures and letters to the girls? family, and we know that they get these updates on a regular basis. Occasionally we get pictures back but there is little information, and our girls need more. They are asking for more.
Jrock and I had a chance to meet with our daughters? family a couple of times in Ethiopia three years ago. The meetings were awkward and wonderful and horrible all at the same time. Realistically, I should expect the same for this trip. But the optimist in me hopes differently. I hope that the family we?ve met before will recognize me and know that we?ve made good on our promises. I?m looking forward to them meeting my mom, as I think she automatically will be welcomed as an elder. My bags will be full of trinkets from Sugar and Spice for their extended young family members. We hope to?capture pictures and videos of the family in action, and carry back tidbits of information that the girls ask about all the time. I hope we get some questions answered, and hope to bring lots of stories home. Most importantly, I hope to set up a mailbox and buy a bunch of stamps and envelopes so that they can receive and send letters and pictures to my girls, and our communication becomes easier.
We?re not starting from scratch, but I hope we can pick up a few pieces and find a few missing links.
I?m now trying to prepare for the trip (donations, vaccinations, etc.) but part of that preparation is getting the girls up to speed. I?m so excited myself, it?s hard not to get them revved up! but I also keep saying ?IF we can meet so and so, I will ask?? ?IF I meet so and so, I will give them these photos?? I don?t know if I?m managing to control their expectations or not. I hope so, but suspect not. We?re all too excited.
As for myself, it all will be a gift. The time with our Ethiopian family will be a gift I will live with my mom, covet in my heart, and share a million-fold with my girls and my husband. And hopefully soon, the girls?will be able to go themselves and make those connections in person.
In the meanwhile, I have 10 photo albums to print, teeny gifts to buy with the girls, and?adult gifts to puzzle over. (What can I bring from Canada that will be culturally appropriate, fit for a family visit, but not be?construed as?flaunting my wealth???)
I spent an hour the other day in Superstore worrying about skirt lengths and head scarves, wanting to make a favorable impression. Because, you see ? these people, some of whom I have met, are my family too. Or, rather, I feel like they are my daughters? family but I want them to be mine too. I want to be accepted like I am in my Canadian Ethiopian community? I want to ?fit in.? I guess if I feel like I belong, then the pieces will align and all of us will belong together ? not just our daughters belonging to us and our daughters belonging to them. But all of us ? together.
I guess I?ll just have to wait and see.
FAQ: I haven?t used any kind of birth family finding service, so I can?t help any of you with this. Because we traveled to Ethiopia during the bankruptcy, we met directly with our family and have direct connections still.
Source: http://rowanfamilytree.com/2012/03/25/planning-a-visit-with-birth-family/
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